Austin FC Upset Pumas UNAM in League Cup

The Austin Police Department is investigating multiple missing persons reports after the Austin FC’s surprising win 3-2 over the Pumas UNAM in Leagues Cup 2024 play on Friday, said a source close to the investigation but not authorized to speak on behalf of the department. 

The source said the 911 System was overwhelmed with calls asking: Who are those guys? What have you done with their Austin FC? Where did they come from? Fans were gravely suspicious of the teams unbelievably good performance against a vastly superior Liga MX team. Fans believe current players are imposters.

Head coach Josh Wolff was taken into custody after he took credit for the team’s performance. He was quickly released when the police realized the outcome was beyond Wolff’s abilities, said the source. 

Fans were greatly distressed by the team’s sudden change in performance.  The fans have formed strong bonds over the past two years commiserating over the team’s lack of performance.  They worry a sudden improve will shatter those bonds. 

According to the source, calls to the tip line alleged Elon Musk’s involvement. Musk recently moved most of his operations to Austin. It is widely known that Musk is “not of this world”, making alien abductions a possible scenario.  Evidence strongly supporting this was the presence of a green aura that settled over Q2 Stadium after the match. 

The Austin FC website confirmed that Musk is not (yet?) the owner of the team. 

Masterminds behind the plot got subtle details wrong: Alex Ring was wearing the captain’s sleeve, Brad Stuver was not in the goal, and only ten players were on the pitch for most of the match.

Police have promised to bring in reinforces for the next match against Club de Fútbol Monterrey on Tuesday, but have little confidence that the Austin FC will be able to repeat the performance, said the source.